Thursday, September 7, 2017
I'm so mad this morning. Just like every morning, I wake up feeling angry at people for trying to make me feel like I'm less than they are. Why won't people just leave me the hell alone, instead of questioning everything I say and do. No one trusts my thoughts or opinions and they say it's because i don't trust my own. I know that this isn't true. It only happens when people treat me weird or laugh at my ideas, that I get insecure. I'm just as smart or cool as the next person.
I tend to smoke cigarettes and this is bad. I have always wanted to be a singer/performer since I was a very small child. My parents didn't encourage me, but I knew that's what I wanted to do. I didn't practice much, but I joined choir and I knew that was going to help get me there. I was never popular or had many friends, but I knew that one day I would be noticed. Sometimes I feel like, what is the point? No one cares about my talent anyway. I tend to smoke because I feel like no one likes me. I'm also bitter because I completely changed my life outcome because of someone else, instead of going after what I wanted. Why do I see everyone around me get noticed for the things that they are good at, but I just have to watch? It only matters to me. I want to sing on stage and that's my dream. I am responsible for my dreams. I hate cigarettes, they make you sick.
I moved to a new town in hopes that I would make friends. People here are much nicer than the place I am from. It's the same story over again though, I don't fit in. Maybe it's a good thing, i mean, who the hell's standards am I living up to anyway? None of us are perfect, but somehow I am always shoved aside. Somehow I am always the one left out. At least, so it seems. Maybe I never want to get left out and that's the problem, because we should all have a minute to be focused on. When it comes to my best friend, I want his attention more so than he gives others. Is this wrong, perhaps. We all want to feel special and important. I don't want to be popular, just heard.
I only have myself to look to. I am responsible for my own health and happiness. I am responsible for learning guitar and finding ways to sing and perform. I thought love and music coincides and I still believe that it will. I should never be jealous of someone with music because that is the route of all love. I should not feel discouraged that I am not being noticed or that my love is not including me in his own music. I have to build my own things. I have almost completely ruined my reputation since I moved here. Maybe I can change my image with time but at least people know my boundaries because aren't we all entitled to our own opinion? That's the only thing I really want. The question is really this, What do I do when I am not being heard.....the answer is definitely not to throw a fit, but write and then when the time is right, sing!