So, I am supposed to be enjoying the summer. Instead, I have done nothing but worry and fuss.
I want so badly to do things that i have never done before! I want to go places and have adventures! Live life! It has been a bit of a bummer summer, but we've made the best of it. We always find a way to be thankful. I need to keep my eyes and goals on the Lord.
It takes money and time to go and do fun stuff. ok, mostly money, which i dont have.
I need a job to make money to do stuff and buy stuff. Jealousy is not attractive on anyone, especially a Christian. I see my collegues succeeding and supplying good health to the masses and i want to be happy for them, but i want things. terrible, i know.
But, for now, I need to get myself in check. Take care of the kids, take care of the bills, take care of the house (cleaning) and the many other things i attend to. I get into bad moods because i dont have what others do. What they do, who they have become, I want to BE someone to. Then I realize, all the wonderful tasks God has assigned to me. I have three gorgeous children, cherish them.
I have a hard working wonderful husband, comfort him. So what if we are struggling right now, it won't stay this way and it has definitely been worse! Oh, how far we've come!
The plan now is to focus on the kids and prepare for the upcoming opportunities. Personal training certification study will commence as soon as i have Anna ready to enroll for school. Prepare her for getting up and studying. Prepare my attitude for the work place. I should get used to difficult situations. Learn how to control my emotions and handle my kids with carress.
The start of the fall shall be good. Lilyanna and I enjoying the planned days of being together. In the Spring I intend to file my fasfa for college, but if i can afford it, I will buy the materials needed online for the pt. So, maybe by then she will be ready. 6 months and enroll in school? maybe. If i can find a job suitable for the pay needed for preschool. So, enjoy the next couple of months? How, when everything is falling apart around me with my husband working hard to provide and still lacking? I could put in job applications, but it would be just as well to wait. Lord be with us. So tired of being short on money to breathe.
But, they are getting older. Each day shows new signs that i had better enjoy every moments passing, because they will all, too soon end.
So quiet with the little one and I. I see now that just one kid is easy, no matter the age. The noise gets to me and i just want to be my own person!!! I mean really, why can't i have the best of both worlds? no friends, no fun! Well, just this past weekend was fun. What am I really seeking? New friends, maybe. New business opportunities, definitely! Truth is, I have lots of friends, but can never connect with them. For some reason they are either too wrapped in their own lives or i dont have enough money to be a part of theirs. I honestly dont get out much. Perhaps if i had a chance to actually join something, like sports, excercise classes, etc. Hence, the need for money. I want my girls to join things too. They are so talented like their mother. So a job would be a great solution, but I already work really hard at my job. I take it seriously. Sometimes too serious. I need to get messy with the kids and do arts and crafts like we used to. Definitely going to start studying again. I try to keep the house disinfected, you can tell i have OCD cant you? Yes, I work hard. Does it pay? Yes, it does, I just forget how important it is.
Do not be conformed of this world, says the Lord. But, I want so much to have nice things, especially clothes. I love fashion. I love music, to sing, to dance. I can't even afford to take my kids anywhere. But to rush to a job now would be foolish. I have so much on my plate as it is. I can't even afford to keep the house repaired and the yard in order. But, we have definitely had worse. We are so blessed to have a home and vehicles and utilities.