Diary of mad house wife

       I always think about getting a job, other than the one i currently have. I work so hard to keep the house clean and the girls' things in order. Keeping up with three girls is tough!  The Lord keeps reminding me that I AM doing my job. To be a stay at home mom is tough! I need to focus on the kids and getting Anna ready for preschool. She brings me so much joy! I do get tired of being at home, but my creative side comes out when i ask the Lord for inspiration.

So, I am supposed to be enjoying the summer. Instead, I have done nothing but worry and fuss.

I want so badly to do things that i have never done before! I want to go places and have adventures! Live life! It has been a bit of a bummer summer, but we've made the best of it. We always find a way to be thankful. I need to keep my eyes and goals on the Lord.

It takes money and time to go and do fun stuff. ok, mostly money, which i dont have.

I need a job to make money to do stuff and buy stuff. Jealousy is not attractive on anyone, especially a Christian. I see my collegues succeeding and supplying good health to the masses and i want to be happy for them, but i want things. terrible, i know.

But, for now, I need to get myself in check. Take care of the kids, take care of the bills, take care of the house (cleaning) and the many other things i attend to. I get into bad moods because i dont have what others do. What they do, who they have become, I want to BE someone to. Then I realize, all the wonderful tasks God has assigned to me. I have three gorgeous children, cherish them.

I have a hard working wonderful husband, comfort him. So what if we are struggling right now, it won't stay this way and it has definitely been worse! Oh, how far we've come!

The plan now is to focus on the kids and prepare for the upcoming opportunities. Personal training certification study will commence as soon as i have Anna ready to enroll for school. Prepare her for getting up and studying. Prepare my attitude for the work place. I should get used to difficult situations. Learn how to control my emotions and handle my kids with carress.

The start of the fall shall be good. Lilyanna and I enjoying the planned days of being together. In the Spring I intend to file my fasfa for college, but if i can afford it, I will buy the materials needed online for the pt. So, maybe by then she will be ready. 6 months and enroll in school? maybe. If i can find a job suitable for the pay needed for preschool. So, enjoy the next couple of months? How, when everything is falling apart around me with my husband working hard to provide and still lacking? I could put in job applications, but it would be just as well to wait. Lord be with us. So tired of being short on money to breathe.

But, they are getting older. Each day shows new signs that i had better enjoy every moments passing, because they will all, too soon end.

So quiet with the little one and I. I see now that just one kid is easy, no matter the age. The noise gets to me and i just want to be my own person!!! I mean really, why can't i have the best of both worlds? no friends, no fun! Well, just this past weekend was fun. What am I really seeking? New friends, maybe. New business opportunities, definitely! Truth is, I have lots of friends, but can never connect with them. For some reason they are either too wrapped in their own lives or i dont have enough money to be a part of theirs. I honestly dont get out much. Perhaps if i had a chance to actually join something, like sports, excercise classes, etc. Hence, the need for money. I want my girls to join things too. They are so talented like their mother. So a job would be a great solution, but I already work really hard at my job. I take it seriously. Sometimes too serious. I need to get messy with the kids and do arts and crafts like we used to. Definitely going to start studying again. I try to keep the house disinfected, you can tell i have OCD cant you? Yes, I work hard. Does it pay? Yes, it does, I just forget how important it is.

Do not be conformed of this world, says the Lord. But, I want so much to have nice things, especially clothes. I love fashion. I love music, to sing, to dance. I can't even afford to take my kids anywhere. But to rush to a job now would be foolish. I have so much on my plate as it is. I can't even afford to keep the house repaired and the yard in order. But, we have definitely had worse. We are so blessed to have a home and vehicles and utilities.

It's hard to detach myself from "mom" to "Me" because I haven't been anyone else for a while. I want to explore this "Me" person. I want a group of friends that can honestly say they enjoy being around me. I need a fire in my heart with the passion I used to have. Love unabandoned. Express who I am without bounds. Do I know who that person is? Where did that lusty redhead go? I love being me, but am I on fire? I want to feel the flames of heat for my love. Do I love me? Where are these cravings a young woman should feel? Beauty is not just skin deep! I know what real love is and yet I let the precious moments pass me by because I can't feel the heat that once consumed me! Oh, to feel that again, why did those flames burn out?! To be hot on the inside as well as out. Is it true? Do I dare to believe the words of his lips that used to make me tremble when they kissed me.

I have decided that I will enjoy every moment of being a stay at home mom, even if that means letting my business take me a while. I am finding myself more and more. This parenting thing is awesome, it just takes some time to get the hang of it. I enjoy excercising, writing, relaxing, and playing with my daughters. I love to be outside with them and play sports. As I am writing this, we are outside enjoying the summer sun. wearing sun screen of course. But soaking up the vitamin D.


May 20,2012

I really have been spoiled over the past 6 years and have noticed it fully. But, you know, me just getting started on my career is no different than people my age just now having children. I have learned how to balance my own time with the lives of my children, on most days ;)  My career thus far has been to raise my girls and indeed i have done well. "For there is no perfect way to parent a child, but many ways to be a great one." I have just begun to truly enjoy being a stay at home mom, but all good things must come to a new beginning of one's self. I am still on the journey of finding out who i want to be and where God wants to lead me. Oh how I love nature and how the breeze flows over me as I enjoy the sun. The winds of change are surely blowing.